I don’t remember exactly when it was - sometime around the 2nd week in June. I was on my way to work and decided I didn’t feel like stopping for my normal 16oz morning coffee. No biggie.
But then it kept happening. Every morning when it was time for coffee I didn’t feel in the mood for it. Eventually even the thought of it made my stomach turn a little.
Finally it occurred to me, ‘Why don’t I want my coffee? Weird. The last time
I felt like this I was pregnant.’ It crossed my mind but in no way did I take it seriously. There was literally no possible way I was pregnant. I mean technically I COULD be. I stopped breastfeeding and I had gone off the mini-pill because you only use the mini pill when you’re breastfeeding. I planned to go on a normal birth control. And yes we were having sex but not frequently.
One weekend I was in NY visiting my family and I mentioned it to one of my girlfriends. ‘Omg you have to take a test!’, she said. What? Take a test? Taking a test would mean I actually truly believe there’s a chance I might be pregnant! Do I really wanna take it to that level of paranoia?Of course NOW it’s all I can think about. I do the only thing I can think of - buy a test haha. I happen to be at a BBQ at my future SILs house and although this seems to be a really awkward and I appropriate place to take a pregnancy test, I now officially cannot wait one more second.
Go into house with purse. Sneak into bathroom. Pee on stick. Stick shows bright blue control line and FAINT 2nd blue line. ‘Okay it’s faint. It’s not bright. Who the fuck am I kidding ITS FUCKING POSITIVE’. The level of shock I experienced at that very moment was immeasurable. How? What? When? Why? WHAT???????????????????????? Take test number 2 a few hours later. Second blue line is now brighter. Yea, it’s real.
Of course my husband wasn’t there with me. That phone call was interesting He experienced the same shock but he was SO happy. He did this mix of a laughing/crying that I have never heard him do, and used words like ‘amazing’ and ‘incredible’.
I myself was silent. I wasn’t ready at ALL for celebration. I can’t say I was UPSET but I wasn’t HAPPY? I honestly still don’t know how I feel. First I experienced guilt and embarrassment. I felt people would look at me as stupid and irresponsible. Like, how could they let this happen? Why would they want this? I felt I would be very judged and people would think I was an idiot.
Although those feelings have lessened a bit they’re still there. It’s hard not to have them when people react the way they to. I have moved on mostly to fear. How are we going to handle this? I thought my life was over with one infant and now TWO?! Will I ever shower again? Will I turn into frump wife who wears yoga pants 24/7 and wears my husbands tshirts around the house to hide my body? (That already happens). Major fear. Husband is so excited and doesn’t seem to have any worries.
One thing that I feel immense guilt over is I feel Ava is going to be missing out. She is getting jipped. She isn’t going to be able to have 100% of our attention like she deserves and that makes me so sad. She will barely be ONE for Christ sakes.
So yea, this is still sinking in. I am currently 14 weeks along. I have had worse nausea and vomiting than with Ava and I am very tired. Otherwise I guess I’m okay. We already scheduled the 3D ultrasound for Sept 8 (the day I turn 17 weeks) to find out the gender. Praying for a boy!